Trios and Tribulations

Never let it be said that Chris Harrison isn’t an evil genius, even when he can’t be bothered to appear on his own show.

Whereas the winner of the most recent seasons have been so obvious a blind man could see them, we’re now faced with an actual competition over which man Rachel will choose once she finally sends Eric home. Of course, we won’t be able to gamble on it in advance of the last episode because Bryan’s overnight (and the ensuing Rose Ceremony) is being held back until the final episode.

I mean, you can gamble on it, but it’d be ill-advised. Though it’s unlikely Rachel’s ever going to send Bryan home (which is extremely ill-advised), there’s some crucial information from that date that could go into setting the lines. And that brings us back to the evil genius of Chris Harrison.

If I can’t adjust the lines, I’m stuck with the odds I’ve offered. Bryan’s are already laughably miniscule, but it’s possible they could get even more ridiculous – like if Rachel somehow sent Peter home before Eric. At that point I’d take the whole damn board down because there’s no world in which Rachel thinks Eric is a suitable life partner.

Maybe I’m getting impatient in my old age, but I can’t continue watching Rachel lead Eric to the Lake of Language only for him consistently refusing to drink. I’ve yet to follow a single thought he’s uttered and, from what I can tell, his style of conversation involves listening for Rachel to say a specific word and then repeat that word back to her in incoherent sentences until she interrupts him. Somehow she – and her family – finds this less troubling than Bryan being capable of holding a conversation, even if he does sound like he’s trying to get all of them into bed.

I’d love to be here to bury Bryan, not to praise him, but the Lindsay family put him between a rock and a hard place. They asked him questions. He provided responses; weird responses that made him sound a little like Norman Bates, but responses nonetheless. Rachel’s sister then criticized him for having “an answer for everything.” I’ve been caught on the wrong end of the law from time to time so I have a little more experience the most, but you don’t need a Juris Doctor to know entrapment when it slaps you in the face. I almost felt bad for the guy. Then they went to Spain and it was revealed that Bryan kicks a soccer ball as well as he speaks Spanish. I felt a lot better about the world after that.

And then there’s Peter, who just wears the damn hell out of whatever piece of clothing he puts on and makes children fall in love with him with a simple smile. Rachel so desperately wants him to win, but he’s committed to remaining in actual reality – where you get to know someone through dating and then propose to them when you’re ready to marry them – while Rachel is perfectly content to remain in the heart of the Bachelorette-industrial complex where you get engaged to someone after knowing them for six weeks because how the hell else will you get to understand them as a person?

Different strokes, different folks – I know, I know. But considering Rachel’s choices are a 37 year old career pickup artist, the living embodiment of Nick Young face, and a man she genuinely likes whose only knock against him is that he wants to wait a bit to get engaged to a woman he’s falling in love with and wants to get to know a little better, maybe she should consider slightly compromising her desire to be engaged at the show’s end. More likely she’ll pick Bryan and see how that goes for her. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. At least it means ten more weeks of the Man from Madison in 2018.

While Harrison might have screwed me out of better odds for the last man standing, there’s nothing he can do to prevent me offering up prop bets for “The Men Tell All.” The man may be a monster, but even he wouldn’t stoop so low as to deprive a long-time bookie of his favorite time of year. Without further ado…

First in the Chair:

The standard-bearer of “The (Wo)Men Tell All” prop bets. One of these jabronies has to be the first to sit across from Chris Harrison – why not wager a few bucks on it?

DeMario: -185

Dean: -165

Kenny: -110

Lee: +150

Lucas: +200

Field: +110

Countdown to the Showdown:

Chris Harrison will let the undercard bout of Lucas/Blake develop as it needs to, but it’s all to hype the crowd up for the eventual Lee/Kenny showdown* that absolutely nobody cares about. But it will happen, make no mistake about that. The only question is when:

Over/Under: 30.5 minute mark (-170 under, +125 over)

*Criteria: Kenny and Lee trade barbs back and forth at least two times and either Chris Harrison or another jabroni cuts them off. Anything else is not the fight that was promised.

Number of WhaBooms:

Lucas has one last shot at free publicity. If you don’t think he’s going to capitalize on it, I don’t know what season of The Bachelorette you’ve been watching. Note that these must be live WhaBooms – prerecorded from earlier scenes/episodes don’t count.

Over/Under: 3.5 WhaBooms (+185 under, -200 over)

Book of Revelations:

Did you know Kenny has a daughter? I know, I’m as shocked as you are. It’s almost like he never mentioned her on the show at all. But now that we’re all aware of the situation, how many times will he mention her on ‘The Men Tell All”?

Over/Under: 5.5 (+155 under, -175 over)

Long Arm of the Law:

There’s a lot of testosterone in the atmosphere and a lot of unresolved issues between these gentlemen. How many obligatory cuts to the disinterested security guards will we see?

Over/Under: 2.5 (-250 under, +200 over)

The Correct Motives

I say this every season, but if you aren’t offering odds on how many times the phrase, “the right reasons,” is uttered during the “Tell All” episode, what kind of reality bookie are you?

Over/Under: 6.5 (even odds on both bets)

Another Country Heard From:

This happens every “Tell All” episode: someone talks and you find yourself going, “They were on the show?” The first one of these men to get his name flashed under him as he mansplains (or even regularsplains) a situation will get you a payout:

Mohit: -125

Jedidiah:-115

Brady:-115

Michael: -110

Matt: This is a joke, but I swear to God I didn’t recognize him when looking at the contestants

Blake K: +110

Rob: +110

Jamey: +120

Kyle: +120

Grant: +125

Milton: +150

Many Happy Returns:

As always, the question remains as to whether the next Bachelor will be announced. The smart money’s on no, as I can’t see it being anyone who isn’t in the final three, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to bet on it. This is America, after all.

Yes: +335

No: -525

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