Grin and Mama Bear It

At this stage in the game you’d think Rachel would be the only person still learning things about her ever-dwindling collection of jabronies, but somehow here we are, still being surprised at this late hour.

Let’s start with Bryan, who revealed that his command over the Spanish language is merely cursory at best, his guidebook to Miami is an exact replica of Lonely Planet’s, but that he understands the way this game is played. Despite all the red flags surrounding his mom (not the least of which being her threatening murder on national television), Bryan emerged from hometowns as the best-positioned beau largely because of his willingness to tell Rachel what she wants to hear by bluntly stating that he’s in love with her. That Bryan’s a pickup artist isn’t news; we’re just learning how far he’s willing to take it.

Next, there’s Peter, who revealed he isn’t above playing the “I have black friends” card. Granted, according to Rachel, he has ten close friends and eight of them are black. meaning that there was a 62% chance that we would see him a pair of exclusively African-American buddies, but it was tough to ignore the optics – especially given his awkward rapping incident. However, we also learned that any man’s embarrassing moment can be completely erased by him being precious with a little girl. Seriously, did you see the man with his niece? It made me want to have a baby with him.

Then there was Dean, who was just revelation after revelation. The first thing we found out about him is that he clearly didn’t think he was going to make it very far on this show. Going on The Bachelorette, you have to have some understanding that you might have to bring the show’s namesake home, but that kind of risk analysis was completely absent from Dean’s planning. Essentially Dean gambled ten-thousand Instagram followers against a 3% chance that he’d be forced to interact with his dad again, which seems to be the most painful prospect in his world. You can call this bookie risk-averse, but that doesn’t seem like a gamble worth taking.

We’ve also now concluded, without a shadow of a doubt, that Dean is incredibly insightful. As he and Rachel walked up to his father’s house, he whispered to her, “I’m suppressing every single emotion I’m trying to feel,” which is a pretty incredible statement considering it takes most people years of therapy to get to that point. And while we also learned that Rachel makes Dean breath from his navel chakra, my favorite new Dean fact is that he is ride or die for ABC properties, a fact plainly illustrated by his dad repping The Gong Show.

As for Eric, the only thing we learned is that the producers find the life and history of an inner-city black man far less compelling than an old white guy in a turban. That’s America for you, such as it is these days.

Still, we’ll be seeing Eric for fantasy suites, which is more than the betting public expected. I made a mint off the fools who thought they were going to cash in on Eric’s longer odds, but it was obvious there was only one person that was headed home this week and it played out as predicted.

But next week’s episode is anyone’s guess. The only person I feel confident in is Bryan, who will be there until the bitter end; between Eric and Peter, the big question is who gets sent packing first. If you were paying attention, Peter got the coveted “Bachelor Edit” as he talked about what he’s “really looking for” at the end of this process. He’s the front-runner in our hearts, but something tells me his future lies with thirty women, not one (a fact reflected in the “Next Bachelor” odds).

The Geek disagrees, though, and he put his big bet of the season on the Wisconsin Wonder. I can’t say I blame him – I would have made the same wager a few weeks ago – but given the state of things I would call it ill-advised. My only hope is that Chris Harrison doesn’t have another of his size 7’s waiting to drop.

 

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