Chairman of the Bored

There comes a week during every season of The Bachelorette (and The Bachelor for that matter) where you get a gentle reminder that the show isn’t ridiculous entertainment – it’s just downright ridiculous. And that week is the week before hometowns.

It’s good that this reminder comes before hometowns (which are also ridiculous), overnights (aka The Fantasy Suites, which are super ridiculous), and the final rose (which is when the show’s star informs one of the two suitors that they’ve been dating for a hilariously short amount of time that the ride is over and they’re not only choosing, but marrying, the other person. And if you need me to explain to you that this is the most ridiculous of all the scenarios, you might consider following some other bookie); otherwise you might actually get invested in this nonsense.

At the start of the episode, the six remaining contestants have essentially spent anywhere from zero to five days’ worth of real time with Rachel, depending on factors such as the number of one-on-one dates they’ve had, the amount of face to face time on group dates, and whether or not they’re completely forgettable people named Matt or Adam. And yet, to a man, each of them is treating the prospect of bringing a woman they’ve spent less than an actual week with – and who is dating five other men – home to meet their families as a potentially pivotal moment in their lives.

I understand that love comes in all forms; this bookie certainly can’t cast the first stone. But maybe expectations should be slightly tempered, especially when Rachel is still asking questions like, “Tell me about you…like, who are you?” during these late episodes.

While that inquiry was leveled at Bryan (and Dean to a lesser extent), I really would have appreciated Rachel directing it to Matt and Adam. Even as they were sent packing, I could still barely tell one jabroni from the other without a program. But she at least had the courtesy to use Matt’s name when sending him off first, giving me a little clarity in addition to forty large from The Geek. After looking at last week’s board Kimmel opted against chalk and put all his money on Adam. But I can’t blame him – he probably had no clue who he was actually betting on.

Next week’s departure is a little more straightforward in this bookmaker’s opinion. Dean had the good fortune of making it to hometowns based almost entirely on the fact that he was one of four contestants that Rachel could pick out of a lineup. Wistful for a spin class and a green juice, he was practically throwing the date by deflecting Rachel’s attempt to get to know the real Dean and asking her what sort of mythical home invaders she believed in. Either because she could recall Dean’s name without a hint, or because one of the producers knew that his dad is a white man who wears a turban, we have him for at least one more episode. The smart money says it’ll be far more entertaining than this one.

I’ll give the Son of a Yoga Man his due, though: the boy is insightful. After his perfect (and diplomatic) analysis of Lee, he followed it up with a master class on Bryan, stating: “He’s a 37 year old man – lives in Miami – who has spent the last 18-plus years of his life swooning and sweet-talking women on a daily basis, to the point he’s gotten good at it.” Just two weeks ago I speculated that Dean might be a pigeon for suggesting Bryan would get sent home from a one-on-one; now I’m curious if the kid would be interested in going into business together. Especially since it looks like he’ll have a ton of free time on his hands in about seven days.

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