Put A Quark In It

The last time The Bachelorette aired we were in a different world: the Cavaliers were still the NBA champs, Julius Caesar was still a classic Shakespearean tragedy and not a prop in the right’s ongoing war against intellect, and Jack Stone was still the creepiest man in the mansion. Not so, only fourteen days later – in large part thanks to Lee semi-drunkenly handing out gems like this:

In case you were wondering, “single word crudely chiseled into a piece of wood” is traditionally the last gift a stalker gives before either murdering his victim or finally getting arrested.

And yet, Lee remains. And this thing is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.

You know me, I run an honest game. I stay away from the spoilers and the Reality Steve’s of the world, but sometimes the clamor gets too loud for even this bookie to ignore, especially when the subject doesn’t pass the eye-test. Lee has said some downright awful shit on a public platform and it was long before he auditioned to be on The Bachelorette. Chris Harrison claims the producers were unaware of said Tweets, and if you believe that then I’d like to offer you an exclusive deal on some beachfront property in Deadwood. If they truly weren’t aware of the racist and sexist shit Lee was espousing – and that is perhaps the most monumental of ifs – then they were merely negligent as opposed to malicious, which really doesn’t make the situation any better. The first time a person of color is the Bachelorette and they couldn’t have done just a little more in the way of due diligence? That story stinks worse than Jimmy Kimmel’s aftershave.

I’m more than a little wary of putting my trust in the producers, especially as they continue to pull the fastest of fast ones on us. With Blake and Lucas getting the boot during the same rose ceremony, it appeared we were finally witnessing the death of the Thunderdome storyline where two fools entered and one idiot left. But lo and behold, it was a bait and switch of epic proportions as Lee and Kenny are now primed to compete in the recurring two-on-one featuring everyone’s least favorite contestants. I don’t know why I’m surprised – they do it to us every season.

Perhaps even more worrisome than the aforementioned maneuver is the producers trying to convince us that we lack both memories and eyeballs. Dean came off great this week; he was vulnerable, he conquered his fears, and he had the best take possible when it came to Lee (“You know exactly what I mean when I say that”)…but should the show’s moral compass really come in the form of a guy who led with, “I just wanna let you know: I’m ready to go black and I’m never going back,” when he met Rachel?

Look, maybe Dean’s gone through a real awakening. He seems like he’s capable of self-reflection. I just think the show needs to be careful about who they select as a savior, especially when we can go to the tape.

Speaking of, it was an unfortunate week for Peter, who now has to live the rest of his life knowing there is video evidence of him a) rapping and b) claiming that Rachel is from the hood. One of those things is upsetting, the other is disappointing. I’ll let you decide which is which. A word of advice to anyone else who might find themselves in a similar situation: don’t assume all black people are from the hood, and if you’re 30 years old and you’ve never recorded a rap song, you’ve picked a pretty terrible time to start.

Also, take one last look at Jack Stone in his natural form, because the way the show’s going we’ll never see it again:

Once relegated to only smiling sinisterly at Rachel, Jack Stone’s not only being allowed to talk (even if he did confuse a quark – a subatomic particle – with a cork – a thing used to stop a wine bottle), but he’s going on a one-on-one! Even he couldn’t believe the change of fortune. My only guess is that the producers needed someone to get sent home from a one-on-one and they quickly found their sacrificial Silence of the Lambs. Cue the close-up of fava beans on the dinner plates.

Maybe I’ll have Matt Damon tease out a little action on an early Jack Stone departure. He took the night off on Monday and apparently Kimmel was champing at the bit. With a double-dip scheduled for next week, the boards likely going up after the second episode, and the producers doing their best to treat us like a bunch of drunk toddlers that can’t rely on their senses, there’s a whole fat stack of money to be made.

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