“We’re throwing you a bone, Jackson.”
Even via voicemail, Chris Harrison’s a smug son of a bitch. I haven’t stopped screening that prick’s calls since he announced that Rachel would be the next Bachelorette several weeks ahead of schedule. As far as I’m concerned, the bastard still owes me money.
“The season’s boring. Nick’s terrible. I get that. Hell, I had to share a mansion with the guy. But ‘Women Tell All’ is right around the corner. That’s pretty good, right, Clint? Easy money to be made.”
Yeah. Easy money. So long as he doesn’t drop a bootlegged copy to the public a day before show time. Considering that he seems to be teamed back up with The Geek, I wouldn’t put it past him.
But he’s not wrong. The “Women Tell All” episode will drum up some action to help carry me through this lemon of a season. Not that I’m especially interested in seeing what any of these gals are up to; Nick spent so little time investing in them that he didn’t give the rest of us much reason to, either. If I had to guess about the state of things, I’d venture that Danielle L.’s nail salon is doing just fine, Danielle M. is still performing actually important work, and Kristina has realized that bullets were dodged but will act like she’s still hung up on Nick in the hopes of getting on Paradise (which this bookie hopes she passes on – you can find better men for less hassle, sweetheart).
Oh, and we’re almost certainly in store for one more hour of the manufactured Taylor/Corinne beef. If there’s a patron saint of hard liquor, may that blessed person save us all.
There was one positive moment in Monday’s episode (beyond the continued tradition of Chris Harrison offering two people a literal handwritten invitation to have sex with each other): the unceremonious – and extremely overdue – sendoff of the Belle of Bar Harbour. Corinne had long overstayed her welcome by most rational peoples’ standards and the only disappointment of her farewell was that it wasn’t more dramatic. Sure, she cried, but what emotionally stunted twenty-four year old who still relies on a nanny wouldn’t? Especially at the prospect of losing an entire staff of people responsible for bringing her food, booze, touching up her makeup, and catering to her every need.
It couldn’t have happened to a nicer gal. And if nothing else, at least we get to gamble against her one more time on “Women Tell All”:
First to Cry:
The standard-bearer of WTA props. Not throwing a little coin at this one is like going to a ballgame and not having a hot dog:
Jasmine G.: +225
No Tears: -120
Time of Tears:
Look, if you’re gonna bet that there are tears, you might as well bet when they’re gonna happen:
Within the first 30 minutes of the show: +150
After the first 30 minutes of the show: -180
Time to Cringe:
Liz is going to be present. This might be an assumption, but it’s also closer to a fact than anything said by Trump’s staff since the big buffoon took office. The question is, at what point in the show will Jade and Tanner’s wedding be brought up?
Within the first 18 minutes: -300
After the first 18 minutes: +200
It won’t get brought up: +1000
Going the Distance:
It’s become a weird tradition that Chris Harrison parades the “successful” relationships the show has spawned during the “Tell All” episodes. I’m not sure to what end besides fulfilling some contractual obligations, but I do know we can wager some money over who will be in attendance:
Jade and Tanner: -250
Ben and Lauren:+300
Kaitlyn and Shawn:+400
JoJo and Jordan:+500
Corinne has a nanny; even if she did care who knew, it’s a little late for that. The question is, how many times will we hear the word? This is an even money bet – mentions of Raquel don’t count:
I’m pretty sure Taylor and Corinne will each have a PA tell them, “You’re off the chain tonight,” while plying them with champagne shortly before taping. So at what point does one start shouting at the other?
Within the first 13 minutes: -140
After the first 14 minutes: +120
First in the chair:
Usually synonymous with first to cry, but given that Nick is the Bachelor this season, I think the girls will be smart enough to separate these two acts.
Alexis really didn’t get enough airtime this season, but that’s what happens to one-trick dolphins. For good or ill, what’re the odds that she receives some kind of dolphin or shark themed gift during WTA?
Which of the final three will be on “Women Tell All”?
They’re running the other half of Fantasy Suites next week, likely before WTA, meaning one of them is getting sent home. Think you know who it’ll be? Put your money where your mouth is: