Group Date in the Valley of Woe

This week proves what I’ve always suspected: nothing of consequence happens in Wisconsin.

If that weren’t enough, the most exciting thing about this episode (other than watching Nick skillfully skate-bomb every shot of his sister talking with Raven) was the revelation that Danielle L. is completely and utterly boring. And not especially observant, either.

Explaining her dating history to Nick, she stated that one of her reasons for being reluctant to get into serious relationships has been the fear of separation, of the relationship ending in divorce like it did for her parents. She then – with genuine sincerity – uttered some nonsense about coming on the show in order to find someone she can spend the rest of her life with…which is all well and good so long as you ignore the numbers. The divorce rate in America is 50%, but the couples from The Bachelor succeed a mere 15% of the time – and that’s only until the inevitable Ben/Lauren breakup. It’s a small sample set, sure, but even a blind rube could see where to lay his cash on that one.

None of that changes the fact that she got a one-on-one and a rose, the latter of which is enough to put her on the board next week when it comes out. Raven will also be there – and will continue to remain until Nick is convinced that she won’t kick the shit out of him for giving her the boot. In case any of you are wondering, the distance from Hoxie, Arkansas to Little Rock is 128 miles – about a two hour drive if you’re a schmuck obeying traffic laws. That’s a pretty good stretch of time to remain so pissed off that you can still manage to summon up the rage to kick in your boyfriend’s locked bedroom door and then whip the piss out of him – with his mistress’ shoe, no less. Matt Barnes (a player of professional basketball and possibly a certified crazy person) once drove 95 miles to punch a former teammate in the face once he found out the man in question was dating his estranged wife. Raven tacked on 33 miles, possibly some light B&E, and very likely aggravated assault over a beau that didn’t sound too serious to begin with. Both of those stories – and their protagonists – are screwier than any explanation of “alternative facts”, but if you were to put Raven and Matt Barnes into a cage with the directive that only one could emerge, it’s my sincere belief that the future would indeed be female.

Speaking of Thunderdome, the stage has been set for the inevitable collision of Corinne and Taylor, everyone’s two least-favorite contestants, on the dreaded two-on-one date. While I’m happy to finally be rid of at least one of these two, I blame the success of the Chad/Alex showdown for this. From now until the show is cancelled we’ll be forced to slog through four weeks of identifying the seasons’ least likeable contestants just so that they can square off for the right to drink free wine a little while longer. I’d give Chris Harrison a piece of my mind about it if only he’d pick up his damn phone. I can understand avoiding Nick Viall and Wisconsin, but your friendly neighborhood odds-maker? My finer feelings are hurt.

But there’s no sense in moping about it – not when there’s money to be made. Fifteen girls is still too many to put up a board, but I’ll gladly offer up odds on this two-on-one.

Taylor Wins: +150

Corinne Wins: +125

Both Girls Get Sent Home: -135


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s