Want to Make God Laugh? Make a Planned-Dance

Word on the street is there’s a gal in trouble. She started out in this game with good intentions, but now she’s in over her head and low on options. There’s no doubt she’ll stick it out – for all the right reasons and even a few of the wrong ones – but it’s not like she’s got much of a choice; she bought the ticket and now she must take the ride, no matter how long and horrifying the journey may be.

I’m talking, of course, about Corinne’s nanny Raquel.

Raquel piqued my interest on the first episode, just the way Chris Harrison and his crew intended. I think I speak for everyone when I say she’s been looming in our collective consciousness ever since, like a tip on the fourth race at Santa Anita you don’t trust but is too good to ignore. Thankfully, Chris and co. didn’t keep us waiting too long (he knows we don’t have the attention span for that) and he peppered in Corrine’s talk of Raquel at the earliest possible convenience, selecting from what I imagine has to be literally hundreds of soundbites describing Raquel’s duties.

It sounds like pretty standard nanny stuff – waking Corinne up, making her breakfast, making her bed, preparing her snacks – until you remember that Corinne is a twenty-four year old adult woman enabled by law to drive a car, own a gun, buy alcohol, and even vote (though it’s unlikely she would – it allows for almost zero flaunting of her vaunted “sex charm”).

But then I got to thinking (which is always dangerous for a schmo like me) that maybe there’s something we’re missing, an angle we aren’t considering. Corinne seems pretty helpless in this world, like she needs a lot of supervision. And just this week we’ve seen her hit the sheets/couch cushions on three separate occasions that are otherwise inopportune times, especially for someone who’s in it to win it. This outcome is usually preceded by some display of inebriation, but not enough to get her confused with a Weeble that finally gave up on wobbling.

All things considered, is it possible that Corinne isn’t the poster-child for all that’s wrong with this country, but that she suffers from a severe and debilitating case of narcolepsy? And that Raquel isn’t her nanny, but her live-in nurse? And maybe – just maybe – Corrine’s tale isn’t one of entitlement, but one of triumph?

Not even remotely. Occam’s razor aside, Corinne need only open her mouth to remind us that she has no common sense, can’t hold her liquor, and is, at her best moments, the goddamn worst. Oh, she’s clearly got deep-seated insecurities and anxiety issues, but that doesn’t give her a pass to parade her privilege around like a purse-dog her daddy bought her.

To make matters worse, Corinne tweeted and then deleted (because that’s apparently a thing youngs do) that “everyone needs to relax about the nanny thing. Raquel is part of my family so calling her a house keeper or a Cleaning lady is disrespectful.”

Sorry to break the news to you, sweetheart, but calling someone who’s “part of your family” and waits on a fully grown, almost quarter-century old human “the nanny” ain’t exactly the nicest thing in the world, either.

I didn’t bother calling Harrison for his two cents on the subject this week. So far all he’s doing this season is trying to break the record for least amount of screen time by a host. I may start taking action on a weekly minutes over/under just to make things interesting. It’s been pretty vanilla so far and with the first board dropping next week the betting public needs something to get excited about. Something tells me Chris’ll come through, though. He not a guy to sleep on.

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