Well, here we are. It always had to come down to two eventually, and despite Robby entering the week with less than stellar odds, Loverbot’s early departure was a clear indicator that we were just killing time until Chase hit the bricks too. Unsurprisingly, he wasn’t forced to go through the motions of a rose ceremony to find out he’d been sent packing. Somewhat surprisingly, he did make it through the threshold of the fantasy suite (so named because, if we can’t just talk about sex like adults, we might as well create the misunderstanding that some people actually fantasize about doing it with an entire production crew waiting on the other side of the wall) only to be told, “not tonight, Chase…and actually not ever.” He wasn’t exactly thrilled with the turn of events.
Everything aside, let’s make one thing clear: no person is entitled to sex in any situation, especially when the expectation is predicated upon the flimsy rules of a reality TV show. While Chase may not have had the best reaction to JoJo’s “thanks, but no thanks” speech (and certainly didn’t do much all season to earn the courtesy of a better edit in that situation), he didn’t bring sex into the equation once, behaving much more like an adult than I expected him to. For that he deserves our respect. For slamming back his champagne and cracking a beer on his way into the van, he gets a slight nod. For the snarky, “Oh, is this my fantasy suite?” line as he climbed into the ride, he gets a smirk, a chuckle, and a gigantic sigh of relief that he didn’t say anything worse.
But there’s plenty of time to dissect that and the rest of the week’s action once it all shakes out. Right now I’m under a deadline. Prop bets don’t write themselves and the day of “The Men Tell All” is like a bookie’s Black Friday. After a season of the long con there’s instant gratification to be had, money to be made, and a sucker born every minute. Surely that doesn’t include anyone I’m acquainted with, but if they did happen to be curious regarding what the rubes are wagering on, the books are open to anyone…
First in the chair:
The “Men Tell All” equivalent of betting on the Super Bowl coin flip: a clear sign that you’re a degenerate gambler in need of serious counseling, but also an indicator that you like to have a good time and don’t mind spending a few bucks in the process.
James Taylor: +105
Who will be first to cry?
As it must be pointed out every season, there is no gray area with this: watery eyes – no matter how saturated – do not count. Real tears only, but all it takes is one rolling down the cheek to qualify.
James Taylor: +125
Who mentions steroids first?
And not necessarily in reference to Chad (but most likely in reference to Chad).
James F.: +185
Chris Harrison: +210
This is not just a scoff or an eye-roll: we’re talking words exchanged, voices raised, audience response, and uncomfortable reaction shots from the other contestants who clearly don’t want to get involved if punches end up being thrown.
Chad vs. Alex: -135
Chad vs. Evan: +105
Chase vs. Derek: +155
Will anyone comment on Vinny’s hair?
Look, we’ve all seen the preview by now. After what I imagine to be a serious and grueling intervention by friends and family, Vinny has – perhaps for the first time in his life – finally stopped going to Supercuts and has started rocking what may qualify as an honest to goodness coiffure (receding hairline be damned). Someone’s gotta say something, right?
Over/Under on the number of guys offering to fight Chad:
Again, the words “we can take this outside” don’t necessarily have to be uttered, but the intention of fisticuffs must be implied. We already know there’s one from the promo and I’m pretty sure Alex will issue a challenge the first time the camera lands on him. If you don’t know how to bet this one, just ask yourself how much booze you think they give the guys beforehand – that should clear things up.
O/U: 3.5 (+235 Under, -300 Over)
Over/Under on the number of guys disparaging Jordan:
Easily the second-most disliked person on the show after Chad, though not worthy of the same vitriol. Still an easy target for everyone’s ire once the right leading questions are asked.
O/U: 5.5 (even odds on both bets)
Over/Under on how many times the phrase, “The right reasons,” gets uttered:
Honestly, if you’re offering odds on any “Men/Women Tell All” episodes and this isn’t on the board, what kind of bookie are you?
O/U: 7.5 (even odds on both bets)
Will the next Bachelor(s) be announced?
Chris, since I know you’re reading this: please just give us a full season of the Luke/James Taylor Brodeo. Please