Fantasy Sports

Times have changed. I remember when it used to be fun to watch a guy run around with three different women; the adventures of a few days being condensed to a couple hours and each encounter possibly (probably) ending in the half-drunk knocking of boots. Now, not even the prospect of a virgin being deflowered on national TV can hold my interest. If there wasn’t money to be made, you couldn’t have paid me to watch this past week’s shenanigans.

There’s a lot of faux gravitas that gets yoked to the final three prospective fiancées, particularly when examining the path they’ve taken to arrive at said destination. It’s painted as a long and arduous road with many intense trials and temptations that would have made Christ in the desert reevaluate his values. But in actuality it’s been about six weeks of filming with enough just enough one-on-ones that everyone’s essentially in third-date territory anyway. As far as I know it’s perfectly natural to sleep with somebody at that point in the relationship – standard according to some – and without the benefit of a “fantasy suite.”

Which, for the record, unless you dig the idea of 30 million people knowing you’ve had sex or you’ve always dreamed about vanilla foreplay in front of a producer, boom-op, camera crew, and makeup department that exits a few minutes before clothes come off, is a bit of a misnomer. Apart from that, it puts the rest of us average Joes in a tough position. Maybe I’m alone here, but I don’t exactly have 10,000 rose petals on hand for whenever I want to set the mood, let alone a team of unpaid interns to arrange them all.

Speaking of arranged, something stinks this week – and I’m not talking about the sheets liberally doused with bottles of Chantilly after each girl’s tryst with the Big Bad Bach. No, something is rotten in the state of Bachelorhood. Especially when Kaitlyn, a girl who can make Mr. Man laugh loud, cut loose, have fun, and unleash a beaming smile that would outshine a 10,000 watt bulb, is sent home instead of Becca, who dropped the poorly engineered virginity-bomb mere moments before entering the I-was-hoping-to-get-lucky-tonight Suite. It looked like an epic blunder, using a tactical weapon for such a large-scale operation, but she somehow prevailed, despite also telling The Man of the Hour of the Week of the Century that she wasn’t really interested in moving to his hometown when all was said and done.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m financially thrilled about the decision. When The Big Board went up halfway through the show Kaitlyn was comfortably in the middle and generated a lot of action to win. Her departure is money in the bank.

But if you were gonna ask this bookie, I’d say the fix was in. Of all the girls this season, Kaitlyn’s the most tolerable as the next Bachelorette. Always up for a fun time, a little wild, a little spontaneous, and looking downright incredible now that she’s getting professional makeup. In fact, she’s already 2-1 on Clint’s Prop Board for that honor.

What’s that, you ask? Even if you didn’t, I’m telling you anyway – also, if that’s the case, why are you still reading at this point? Get outta here.

The most boring week of The Bachelor gloriously gives way to the most entertaining week of The Bachelor, the one where they bring all the girls back except for the final two, sit them on a couch, talk about the show, and ask them to pretend like they weren’t openly trying to rip each other’s’ throats out a few weeks ago. It’s ridiculous, unpredictable, and makes for great betting. And you, you lucky few, you band of bettors, are getting first shot at these props before they open to the general public. Get ready – the odds are good, and the goods, quite thankfully, are odd:

First to Cry:

This, and the preceding/ensuing fights that lead to the tears, accounts for 95% of this week’s viewership. Pick your favorite, pick your least favorite:

No Tears: 25-1

Kaitlyn: 6-1

Britt: 3-1

Ashley I.: 2-1

Field: 1-1

 

Time of Tears:

Maybe you’re not confident about who will cry first, but you’re feeling better about when.

Within the first 25.5 minute of the show: -155

After the first 25.5 minutes of the show: +130

 

Love Languages:

Everyone has a specific love language. These girls are no exception:

# of times saying “Amazing” – 7.5 (-180) OVER

# of times saying “Oh My God” (+150)

 

The Curious Case of Kelsey:

Possible sociopath, definite elitist. The girls disliked her for numerous reasons, but mostly because Kelsey took direct digs at their intelligence by needlessly using large words. How many will express their displeasure over this?

# of girls that give Kelsey a death stare – 3.5 (-120) OVER

# of SAT words used by Kelsey (+110)

 

Will Wine Be Thrown?

One can only hope so. This prop also extends to any alcoholic beverage.

Yes: +220

No: -310

 

The Contestant Who Was Sent Home But is Now Dating Jeremy Piven Will Talk About Dating Jeremy Piven:

I truly could not make this shit up if I tried.

Yes: +400

No: -500

 

American Psycho:

Ashley S. was truly terrifying. Chris openly admitted to being scared of her in a recap episode I will staunchly deny watching no matter who is asking. How many girls will admit to also being scared of her?

Over 3.5 (-160)

Under 3.5 (+150)

 

And finally…

Who will be the next Bachelorette?

Britt: 8:1

Jade: 6:1

Kaitlyn: 2:1

Field: 1:1

That’s the news that’s fit. Try your luck. Maybe you’ll even earn a buck or two at the expense of Ol’ Clint – or maybe you’ll just be donating to the Pay Off The Geek fund.

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